Pilot: Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS 16.
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo - Good evening! - cleared to land 16, wind calm and by the way: this is Vienna Tower.
Pilot (after a short break): Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker.
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!
Pilot (after a break): Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?
Tower: You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot (after another break): But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava.
Tower: Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival.
Pilot: Ok, let's see, I think Tuesday would be nice...
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
LH741: Tower, give me a rough timecheck.
Tower: It's tuesday, Sir.
Tower: Lufthansa 893, number one, check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger. (after a short break) ...we've checked the workers, they are all working.
Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!
Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel.
Tower (Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery): German Air Force 269, you are cleared to destination Indian Springs via after take-off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation. Read back.
Pilot (GAF 269): Roger, German Air Force 269 is cleared to destination Indian Springs via after take-off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation, and I need another pencil.
Tower: Cannot read you, say again!
Some Pilots have only two friends: Johnny Walker and Martin Baker.
...a bit off-topic, nevertheless one of my favourites...
'Naval Affairs' (Actual radio transcript, released by the Chief of Naval Operations, October 1995)
Canadians: Please divert your course 15° to the south, to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15° to the north, to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15° to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, would you divert your course.
Canadians: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS 'Abraham Lincoln', the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I say again that's 15° north, or countermeasures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
[Flight International, 7-13 November 2000]